C.O.S.M.O.S.: Carefully Optimizing SHAZAM Matrices of Superbeings

Our world is at stake!

The answers to yesterday’s puzzle are as follows: 1. MUSIC, 2. CHAIR, 3. BLIND, 4. CANES, 5. MATCH, 6. TAPER, 7. CHAIN, 8. PATCH, 9. TORCH, 10. PRICE, 11. FACES, 12. POKER. Center letters spell SAINT PATRICK.

Today’s piece previews a longer version for The Journal of Wordplay, covering backronyms and the Shazam mythos in a pseudo-scholarly fashion similar to Larry Niven’s classic “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex.” Preview follows below…

Given the evident need for as many super-powered champions as possible, use of the “SHAZAM” spell must be maximized to promote the security of our nation, planet, and multiverse…

William “Billy” Batson transforms into Shazam, the world’s mightiest mortal, due to a “SHAZAM” spell cast on him by a 4,000-year-old wizard (see accompanying file). Similar spells have affected Batson’s sister Mary Bromfield and the ancient Egyptian laborer Teth-Adam. Each recipient channels selected abilities of gods and heroes. Crucially, this “word magic” requires the donors’ names must align to form the acronym “SHAZAM”…

Magic is transferable—what one spellcaster can learn, another can learn. Therefore, the primary bottleneck in creating more super-powered champions is the SHAZAM acronym itself, especially its “Z.” Overcoming this bottleneck requires the discipline of backronyming, the generation of a longer description from a pre-established set of initials….

As the least common letter in English, “Z” affords limited opportunities. Zagreus, a god who resurrected as Dionysus, seemed at first like a worthwhile donor. However, it was Zeus who resurrected Zagreus, not an intrinsic ability of Zagreus’ own, leaving him with no traits worth borrowing.

However, some untapped “Z” donors do exist. We suggest exploring the following matrices, each optimized for strength, mobility, durability, intellect, and non-redundancy, but varied enough to permit specialization:

… … …

The Farsighted Shazam

Sigurd—ability to talk to birds.
Hecate—magic.
Aurora—light generation.*
Zephaniah—prophecy.
Alexander the Great—strategy.
Mothra—”power” (strength/flight).

Zephaniah is one of the Biblical prophets, offering an ability most heroes can only wish for: the power to predict injustice before it happens. Combining this with Alexander’s more military foresight could result in a hero who ends conflicts before they begin.

… … …

The Time-Master Shazam

Samson—strength.
Hiawatha—authority.
Athena—warcraft.
Zurvan—time control.
Azrael—speed (flight).
Mohammed—charisma.

The powers of Zurvan, the Zoroastrian god of time, could create a superhero able to freeze villains or disasters between moments and perform heroic feats in less than a second. He could also be sensitized to threats to the timestream itself, able to defend against those who would alter history toward their own selfish ends.

While Athena is often identified with Minerva, who already has a power in use, they appear to be separate entities, and the aspect of “warcraft” (tactics, fighting skills, leadership, etc.) is altogether different from Minerva’s loaned virtue of “wisdom.”

… … …

The Shazam-Busting Shazam

Sherlock Holmes—detective ability.
Hephaestus—engineering ability.
Atalanta—agility.
Zu—weather control.
Antaeus—invincible strength while touching the earth.
Mothman—flight.

Heroes like Thor (a god himself) have demonstrated weather control’s utility. Moreover, lightning bursts can transform other SHAZAM-users into their non-powered forms.

Zu was an evil storm god, also seen as the “zubird,” but his temperament would make this Shazam no more likely to turn evil than any other (see accompanying documents on vetting of candidates). Taking powers from gods and heroes does not grant the recipient those gods and heroes’ other personality traits. Otherwise, Zeus’ lechery, Achilles’ blind rages, and Aphrodite’s vanity would compromise the SHAZAM-based heroes currently active…

Tomorrow: More from the early history of crosswords!