"L" is for "Labors of Love"

Fade in on the fourth QUILTBAG story.

I’m still decompressing with family, but here’s another sample from QUILTBAG. This one’s called Labors of Love, Episodes LVII-LVIII: Back in Stella’s Orbit.

Why such a chunky title? Well, the premise of this one is that it’s a “lost” sitcom from an earlier era, with some of the nutty behavior and tropes and clichés you’d expect from network TV. “What if…mainstream TV comedy accepted lesbian relationships in their main characters, sooner than it actually did?” As usual for QUILTBAG stories, the theme letter shows up often.

The roundup of phobias will resume on Monday!

TEASER/SCENE A

FADE IN:

INT. LACY AND RHONDA’S LIVING ROOM - EVENING (DAY 1) (Lacy, Rhonda)

LACY IS READING A BOOK ON THE CHAISE LOUNGE. SHE HEARS A DOOR LOCK OPENING, THEN A DOOR SLAMMING.

LACY
Uh-oh. Look out.

RHONDA ENTERS, LIVID. SHE PLOPS HERSELF DOWN NEXT TO LACY.

LACY
Who was being stupid at the library?

RHONDA
What makes you think it was the library? Maybe I’m angry about traffic, you know? Or libertarians.

LACY
Was it libertari—?

RHONDA
It was the library! Why do people hate literature, Lacy?

LACY
I blame the invention of LCD television. All downhill from there.

RHONDA
Some loon came in demanding we ban "The Proof of the Honey." One of the most important books ever published in Lebanon!

LACY
Lebanon. Yes. That sure is a country.

RHONDA
All they cared about was that it was (FINGER QUOTES) “lewd.”

LACY
Does it have love scenes?

RHONDA
I mean—

LACY
Are they hot?

RHONDA
Like flames licking your face. But that’s not the point.

LACY
(PULLING OUT PHONE)
Keep talking, I’ve just gotta add a book to my wish list.

RHONDA
Libraries have to be a safe space to engage with all literature! These jackasses think they can come in and lay down the law, but really, they’re the ones acting like lawbreakers.

LACY
And you’re just the lady cop to throw the book at ‘em.
(PAUSE)
You didn’t literally throw a book at him, did you?

RHONDA LOOKS RELUCTANT TO ANSWER. FADE OUT.

ACT ONE SCENE B

INT. LACY’S BIOLOGY CLASSROOM - MORNING(Day 2) (Lacy, Jordan, Stella)

LACY, NERVOUS, LECTURES TO HER STUDENTS. BEHIND HER IS A PICTURE OF A LION APPROACHING A LIONESS, ROARING.

LACY
You see, when a male lion, uh, takes interest in a lioness, he roars. Like he’s, um, declaring his intentions——

JORDAN
(IMITATING LION)
“I wanna get laid.”

STUDENTS ERUPT INTO LAUGHTER.

LACY (NERVOUS LAUGH)
Well, that’s part of it for sure, but lions also roar to show strength—

STUDENT IN BACK
Can you demonstrate a lion's roar for us, Ms. Kurlansky?

JORDAN
Don’t they sniff and lick the lionesses? You should demonstrate that for us too.

STUDENTS LAUGH AGAIN.

LACY
Uh, yes! The scent of a lioness in heat, um, stimulates the lion, and, well, he licks her. That’s their love language. It’s all…

ENTER STELLA, LACY’S EX, LOOKING DANGEROUSLY ATTRACTIVE, STARTLING LACY.

LACY
…very scientific.

STELLA SITS IN THE BACK. LACY GROWS ANGRY.

LACY
Let’s be clear. The lion’s roar is also a warning to anyone who thinks they can intrude upon his lair.

JORDAN (CONFUSED)
Like who?

LACY
(GLARING AT STELLA)
A former lover of the lioness, perhaps, who thinks she——thinks HE can just breeze back in and disrupt her life. Again.

JORDAN LOOKS AT STELLA, THEN BACK AT LACY.

LACY
Someone like that would need to be taught a lesson, right, Jordan?

JORDAN
I guess?

LACY
Let’s just say claws and teeth are excellent teaching aids.

CUT TO:…