Medicostatuses or Iatronyms

When they're worth laughing at.

Are you afraid of the dark? Or to put it more “simply,” Got achluophobia?

You’ve probably heard of a few colorful phobias—triskaidekaphobia is the irrational fear of the number thirteen, paraskavedekatriaphobia is of Friday the thirteenth, and arachibutyrophobia is of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth.

For years I thought that last one was strictly a joke, and most dictionaries define it as “humorous.” But these days, I do get a little nervous when eating a PB&J if I don’t have a drink close at hand to clear my airway if anything gets stuck. My salivary glands aren’t what they used to be. (Or is that a rational fear?)

This is an example of Poe’s law, the adage that without a clear indicator of the author’s intent, it’s impossible to tell sarcasm from sincerity. There is also the possibility of accidental seriousness. You could stick any root in front of phobia and make a new word, thinking to yourself “Wouldn’t it be outrageous if someone were afraid of this?” while unbeknownst to you, someone in the world was irrationally afraid of that very thing:/ Verdiphobia (fear of green) isn’t a recognized word, but there is chromophobia, a more generalized fear of a color or colors.

And there’s almost always a word for the better-known fears like failure (kakorraphiaphobia) and even fear itself (phobophobia).

Some “phobias” aren’t fears at all. Photophobia is more of a physical sensitivity to light, though it may make people act afraid of light. Homophobia, biphobia, and such are hateful prejudices, though some would argue that they’re rooted in fear. And hypophobia is irrational fearlessness.

In Word Ways #4.2 (1971), Darryl Francis walked readers through a bunch of exotic iatronyms/iatrologs, AKA medical terms, including phobias, manias, and other conditions:

Borborygmus - gurgling of the stomach.

Onychophagia - biting of the fingernails.

Tragomaschalia - body odor

Castrophrenia - paranoia that others are stealing your ideas or thoughts

Galeanthropy - belief you are a cat

Blablagogy - criminal tendencies

Acrocephalia/Acrocephaly/Oxycephaly - pointyheadedness

Aristophrenia - having a superior mind or intelligence

Witzelsucht - compulsive joking at inappropriate times

Francis uses “witzelsucht” to describe unfunny jokers, and jokes that he has a phobia of them.

Figuring out when to use conditions like these as joking exaggerations is more of an art than a science. (That’s the flip side of Poe’s law: sometimes people can’t tell when you’re joking.)

Many of us have muttered we have “ADHD brain” because we’re a little distractible or “OCD” because we’re a little fastidious in some area of our lives. And sometimes that’s fine, when it’s not in earshot of someone struggling with an actual diagnosis. The boundaries of mental health and even physical health are fuzzy sometimes, and humor is part of how we cope with their vagueness.

But we live in a sensitive age to such issues, and when you write about a condition online (especially one with a more exotic name) there’s a good chance you’ll get read by someone facing the official diagnosis. And officially diagnosed witzelsucht is a brain condition that’s no laughing matter—one form of it is the compulsive, unfunny laughter portrayed in Joker.

As in many matters of humor, context is king—which is why I prefer Substack entries to shorter updates. This format gives me room to create some context!

You may have noticed a lot of Word Ways entries I’ve been riffing are authored by Darryl Francis. Can’t help it! He was a productive guy in this period especially, and our sensibilities often mesh. In fact, tomorrow’s entry can’t help but be called… “Following Francis Further”! Until then…