"Labors of Love," Part II

The "OH MY GOD JUST TELL HER ALREADY" comedy subgenre.

I haven’t had time lately to continue the QUILTBAG cycle of stories much in the last week, so this sample just picks up right where the last excerpt left off, with more of the imaginary sitcom Labors of Love, its twentieth-century comedy tropes, its twenty-first-century acceptance of same-sex relationships, and its conspicuous use of the letter L.

… … … … …

SCENE C

INT. LIVINGSTON LIBRARY - DAY (Day 2, Rhonda, Michaela)

MICHAELA SITS ON THE FLOOR ALPHABETIZING FICTION BOOKS.

MICHAELA
”Love, Lies, and Lattes.” Feels like our “literary fiction” gets less “literary” all the time.

RHONDA ENTERS, LOOKING STUNNED.

MICHAELA
Whoa. You look like you just found out you have to speak at a funeral.

RHONDA
Mine, maybe. Lacy wants us to have dinner with Stella.

MICHAELA
(STACKING LITERATURE)
Stella is…?

RHONDA
Lacy’s ex. (PAUSE) Also my ex.

MICHAELA LEAPS UP, TOPPLNG HER PILE OF BOOKS.

RHONDA
Thanks for being laidback about it.

MICHAELA
Lacy doesn’t know?

RHONDA
I should’ve told her long ago, but…you don’t know what she gets like when the subject of Stella comes up. She goes from being my gentle little lotus flower to seething volcano mode. It’s…

MICHAELA
Super hot?

RHONDA
Like lava from Mauna Loa. But that’s not the point.

MICHAELA KNEELS AND LIFTS UP A BOOK, STARTING TO SORT THE STACK AGAIN. RHONDA LOWERS HERSELF DOWN TO HELP HER.

MICHAELA
Let’s sort out the timeline. Who was with Stella first?

RHONDA
I was. She had this laugh, Michaela. It lit up the room. The high points with her were so high, but the lows… (HOLDS UP BOOKS) Think less “Lady Chatterley’s Lover,” more “Lord of the Flies.” (LOOKS AT BOOKS) You know we alphabetize by author, right?

MICHAELA
You know you have to tell Lacy the truth, right?

CUT TO:

INT. LACY AND RHONDA'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING (Day 2, Lacy, Rhonda, Stella)

THE ROOM IS LITTERED WITH CLEANING SUPPLIES. LACY LUNGES AT SURFACES WITH A DUST RAG.

LACY
Look out, dust bunnies. Farmer Lacy’s mowin’ ya down!

RHONDA ENTERS, PUSHING A VACUUM CLEANER LIKE MAD.

RHONDA
(SHOUTING OVER VACUUM)
Herd ’em toward me, Lace! I’ll get ‘em with the lawnmower!

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

LACY CHOPS LEEKS ON THE CUTTING BOARD. RHONDA CHECKS THE SKILLET.

RHONDA
Lamb chops look done.

LACY
If Stella asks, we eat like this every night.

RHONDA
(LIFTING SKILLET)
Sure, sure. That leftover Little Caesars in the fridge? We’re just saving that for someone.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER

LACY IS SHOWERING. RHONDA APPLIES LIPSTICK.

LACY
You know she’s gonna brag about her legendary journeys, right? She loves the limelight.

RHONDA
Right, like nothing interesting ever happens to us.

LACY
Ooh! Tell the story of how you got stuck on the Livingston lighthouse and had to leap for it. We can embellish it a little…

RHONDA
I told you, hon, that was the Livingston ski lift.

LACY
Right, right. (PAUSE) What’s up with the layout of this town? It’s like it was landscaped by three different gods who didn’t have any likes or dislikes in common.

CUT TO:

INT. STAIRS - MOMENTS LATER

LACY AND RHONDA, DOLLED UP FOR THE EVENING, WALK DOWNSTAIRS.

RHONDA
It’s one thing to want to look good tonight. But, like…Stella knows us. If we tell lots of exaggerated stories, she’ll see through us. We have a good life together. Let’s just show that.

LACY
But… (PAUSE) No. You’re right. Love shouldn’t lie.

RHONDA SQUIRMS AT THE REMINDER OF HER LIE BY OMISSION.

RHONDA
Lacy, I…I should tell you…

LACY WAITS. RHONDA LOSES COURAGE.

RHONDA
You look luminous.

THE DOORBELL RINGS.